Sounds good DZ! Definitely an improvement.
Hal, the reason I don’t care for the theatrical crawl’s wording concerning the First Order is that it makes the Order seem like it comes out of nowhere. “In his absence, the First Order has risen from the ashes of the fallen Empire” literally means that the Empire was in ashes for decades until Luke vanished, and then suddenly the First Order came into being from that. Even if we’re not supposed to believe that’s how the events played out, that’s how it’s presented.
That’s why I much prefer the current wording, since it implies that the First Order had already existed, at least on that Imperial base, for an unknown amount of time before their ambitious power grab.