I personally prefer the draft before the more comprehensive rewrite-- my only notes would be a couple of word substitutions.

I think “sworn / to rebuild the legendary / Jedi Order” sets a more appropriate tone-- to me at least, “reforge” has a more martial feeling to it that doesn’t quite fit the Jedi (or at least, how they ideally should be). Rebuilding feels like a more neutral term, and I think suits the post-Imperial recovery period well.

The other is that I think “New Republic Starfleet” might be swapped for simply “New Republic military”-- like others have mentioned, for many viewers the term “Starfleet” just holds too strong of an association with Star Trek and might pull people out of the film for a moment.