I like that approach, but now there is a conflict between “claimed” and “soldiers”. Are you saying that soldiers have physically conquered every single world beyond the New Republic? Clearly this isn’t the case since they have no outposts on Jakku. Or do you mean that they have claimed the right to them, and not necessarily have been there? In that case, the soldiers wouldn’t have made that claim, and it would need to be replaced with “agents”.

Also, I still prefer the original final paragraph:

Desperate to unite these
planets in RESISTANCE,
a fearless militia loyal
to the New Republic has
sent its pilots in search of
the last Jedi, seeking to
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….