I would still argue against the “risen from an imperial fortress” bit. This makes it looks like they were just hidden in a single location patiently waiting the right time to strike, and that’s… not exactly true, since it’s pretty established by now that they’ve been around for a good while. Doesn’t ep IX even states that they “took most of the kids a long time ago” in Kijimi?
Hmmm, you might have a decent point here. Canon says Luke has been missing for 6 years. And in order for children snatched from worlds to be able to be the stormtroopers we see we are talking an average of 10 years.
So, basically, it’s clear that the First Order has been conquering places for about 10-15 years, long before Luke vanished. Now, perhaps most of those were in the Unknown Regions? So people weren’t aware of that going on. And what we talk about in the crawl is them entering into the known galaxy? It makes sense but requires outside context.
EDIT: Here’s how that might look. And yes, Illum is in the Unknown Regions.
Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the Unknown
Regions of the galaxy to
conquer isolated worlds
beyond the reach of the
New Republic Starfleet.
Random other thought: I prefer to refer to the Resistance as just being loyal to the New Republic rather than being directly aided by them. If they’re being aided by them then that means there’s no real reason for their negotiations in the Senate to be taking that long later in the film. It’s best to leave the opportunity for some Senators to be reluctant to fight. As Leia says in the deleted scene, most of them think she’s crazy.