I love that touch about Finn being an inspiration. However, she says “It wasn’t a decision, but like an instinct”. But her saying that Finn inspired them very clearly makes their mutiny a conscious decision, otherwise why mention it? I think it has the risk of becoming muddles between conscious decision and unconscious instinct.

I think you have to at least keep the line about the stormtroopers one by one deciding not to do it because that’s where the whole instinctual Force aspect comes into place.