That change is powerful-- and looking again at this opening sequence as originally done, your changes to the dialogue make two things happen -- first off, I realize how much you're improving it; second, I realize how much crap work I was overlooking before.
Now I can't approve of anything as done in the original opening-- I have a whole new angle to pitch you about the space ship landing.
To my eye, the footage is beautiful, but the writing and the performances are bad. Solution -- re-cut.
The only performance I'm charmed by on the landing dock is R2.
My idea is reshape the entire sequence as if it were from R2's p.o.v. This may require a cut in shot from another sequence, but I think it can be handled just with sound effects.
The benefit is to avoid almost every line of dialogue from this sequence and let the powerful images tell the story. Nothing is said that wasn't either covered in the opening crawl or obvious from the action.
So it would go something like this: THe big ship lands. Cut to a naboo fighter as a pilot climbs out. HEAR R2 as he is lowered out and we get his C.U. He rolls out of the shot and we CUT to the landing bridge of the Queen's ship -- but we KEEP HEARING R2's chirpy reactions. We do NOT hear the security bozo say "Duh, I sure hope my dialogue helps make you surprised when the ship explodes..." -- instead, we watch the queen march down the plank and cut back to R2 as he sees the queen coming and whistles a kind of greeting. Make it seem R2 really believes it's Padme. Then back to the gang-plank as BOOM! Padme gets blown to bits we hear R2 Scream (like in the Death Star trenches). Give us a C.U. of R2 with flames reflecting off him if you can before cutting to the wides shot of the other R2 unit getting thrown.
Then as the real Padme gets up and runs, give us more R2 noises as he rolls forward-- then reveal Padme's identity as she leans over the dying Korday. "Korday" she says. "My lady..." says Korday. Padme shakes her head (no more dialogue from Korday). "No..." says Padme. The music SWELLS. Cut the rest of Security bozo's lines, he sucks. Cut to the last part of the shot where he stands after urging her to hurry and R2 rolls into view -- give us another R2 cue-- he's urging her to go. She stands with Security bozo behind her looking around, cut back to the dying Korday instead of giving Padme anymore lines. Then Padme realizes it's time to go without being urged by Security bozo so the next shot is back to her close up with the bozo well behind her and then he leans/moves forward and we cut to the wide shot of them leaving together. Here we see R2 again and it would be nice to keep his presence audible as much as possible without overdoing it. Better music will sure help. It feels like, musically speaking, they played this scene for shock more than for emotion-- I think it should be more passionate musically. That will carry you into the story much more than all that dialogue did.
Hope you see what I mean. Hell, I hope you already did all this. At least I hope you consider it.
All the best. You rock.