I agree it’s good on paper but there are a few points, most prominent being going to the Gunguns being marched around in surrender.
Apologies, I can’t quite parse what you’re saying here- can you clarify?
Ooh, one other thought: I don’t like the brief cutaway to the Neimoidians coming so early, since there are a few cutaways in that section (one other brief one where the droid control ship is seen before activating the droids to fight the Gungans), so it adds yet another bit of cognitive load.
But what if they’re looking at something else before demanding droidekas? What if the viewscreen could be modified to show them watching one of the otherwise-cut shots of Padmé making her way through the palace? That way it’s part of her plot without us having to linger on her party’s travel, and it leads nicely into her capture as it’s not so much earlier than those scenes.