Yeah clearly it was too wordy, I’m just not convinced, “let go,” really conveys anything of importance here. Yeah it’s a call back, and it is in line with the jedi way, blah blah blah. But what is the purpose of Obi-wan encouraging him to, “let go”? Luke is already dying. Is there an indication he is fighting his own death, that he needs to let go?
The reason Luke dies is his use of force projection. Yes, he did sacrifice himself to save the resistance, but the sacrifice ends there. It might be a good idea to use this moment to foreshadow his return at the end of your TROS edit. Like the way Obi-wan told Vader he would, “become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” Just my two cents.