“Galactic REPUBLIC” - it’d be a good opportunity to get that official setting term in there.
Starkiller, I love it! But I agree with Vranir, I think we need to namedrop ‘Republic’. And I don’t think ‘And so’ should feature, that feels a little abnormal for a Star Wars crawl. But otherwise, absolutely great.
Okay, here’s one more revision of the final paragraph:
Hearing her desperate pleas,
the Chancellor of the Galactic
Republic has sent Jedi master
Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice
to bargain for the queen’s
freedom, unaware that a
sinister force is behind these
shocking events…