I’m glad you guys like my crawl. I specifically tried to emulate the heightened, melodramatic style of the classic OT crawls, especially ANH (since this will be my personal “first installment”). In fact, the phrase “driven by greed and lust for power” was taken directly from ANH’s second draft.

As for explaining Sidious’s goal with the invasion, I already tried to partially do that with the bit about Naboo’s “valuable resources”. However, I don’t want to go too in-depth with Palpatine’s endgame here: it’s the very beginning of the story, and the best stories know to keep things simple at first.

Actually, speaking of keeping things simple, I realized that my final paragraph was a bit too much of a run-on sentence. In particular, I think name-dropping Valorum is unnecessary: he doesn’t even appear for the next two acts, and I think it’s better to emphasize Qui-Gon as the “main character” by having him be the only person named in the crawl. So, here’s my revision of that bit:

And so, Jedi master Qui-Gon
Jinn and his apprentice have
been sent by the Chancellor
of the galactic government
to bargain for the queen’s
freedom, unaware that a
sinister force is behind
these shocking events…