It probably wouldn’t fit anywhere in the crawl, but I wish there was a way to elaborate on why there’s no Republic fleet to counter the FO. What makes the most sense to me is that the Republic demilitarized after ROTJ fearing they would become another Empire, and are funding the Resistance in secret to fight them, but that’s not explained very well in the actual film.
Can’t wait for a V2 whenever you start it back up, this edit’s my favorite!
I wish I could include that as well, but the space just isn’t there. I’ve certainly tried! And thank you for the encouragement; this project will be completed, hopefully on a Death Star II schedule and not Death Star I 😉
This feels like the best crawl so far-- dense with info without feeling forced. Introducing the Republic early does helpthe second paragraph flow better.
I feel like while “Rejoicing in Skywalker’s downfall” does set the right sinister tone for the First Order, it might point too heavily toward later revelations about Luke’s arc following RotJ, where the rest of the movie teases out the mystery. “Skywalker’s abscence” might be a suitable more-neutral phrase. Then again, the First Order having apparent knowledge of said downfall establishes a mystery of its own which gets resolved later, so the trade-off may be worth it.
I would also suggest changing “the return of the Jedi” to “the Jedi Master’s return” or something similar-- with “the last Jedi” already present in the next paragraph, two title drops in one crawl feels a bit too “winking” to me. It would also reaffirm his goal of restoring the Jedi Order, and his prospective role as a mentor to Rey later on.
In a non-crawl-related note, I’ve gotten an idea in my head lately about Rey’s Dark Side connection in the duel which I can’t shake. I’ve been imagining the blue-red flickering on her and Kylo’s faces resolving to primarily red as she taps into that power-- paralleling the color symbolism when Kylo chooses the Dark in the previous scene.
Interesting idea about the light changing! Something more subtle may be appropriate, since I wouldn’t want to suggest that Rey’s saber goes red.
Those are some fair points on the crawl as well. I did try ‘absence’ instead of ‘downfall’, but downfall just sounds more dire and clear that this is a bad thing for the good guys. There are also a lot of ‘s’ sounds on that line. Maybe generalizing the downfall to the plural Jedi would make more sense.
How about this:
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
The Republic is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore its legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
Rejoicing in the Jedi’s
downfall, sinister agents
under the command of
the evil FIRST ORDER
have emerged from a
hidden Imperial base to
declare that all who seek
Luke Skywalker’s return
shall be destroyed.
In an act of RESISTANCE,
a daring band of rebels
armed by the Republic
has sent their best pilot
to Jakku, desperate to
find the last Jedi and
vanquish the shadow now
rising across the stars…