Hmm, that’s an interesting suggestion. But the rearranged sentence introduces ambiguity in ‘their domain of evil’, which is somewhat uncoupled from ‘the sinister FIRST ORDER’. One could interpret the domain of evil to be connected to the Resistance, which is obviously not what we want. It also has three commas in a row, whereas my original sentence was intended to break up the two commas across the entire paragraph.

I go back and forth on ‘his’ or ‘the’, since ‘the’ is more straightforward, but ‘his’ gives a more poetic flair and (to me at least) evokes the idea of a darkening fate or destiny.

How about this:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

Sensing Imperial malice
behind this catastrophe,
several valiant Senators
in the New Republic have
authorized a task force
to search for the last Jedi
within the domain of the
sinister FIRST ORDER,
heir to the fallen Empire.

Sworn to an errand of
secrecy, leaders of this
brave RESISTANCE have
sent their greatest pilot
to the planet of Jakku,
unaware of the shadow
now rising to extinguish
the darkening stars…