I started watching the workprint, but real life has gotten in the way and I haven’t finished it yet, but I did want to make a few comments on what I have watched so far.
The crawl is mostly good, but you can lose the last paragraph. There isn’t that much tell in the official crawls, and besides we actually get that in the “film” itself.
I understand why you’re cutting the sister mention as the subplot doesn’t appear to be going anywhere at all this season and if it does pick up in season 2 the flashbacks can always be incorporated there. The problem is that in this opening scene in the bar, there’s clearly missing a transition. It goes from the two officers grousing at Cassian/cut to him walking outside once more. Viewers who watched it know that the woman comes back and tells him the non-info about his sister. But non-viewers are left with… well, nothing. Like I said without anything there it just feels like it’s missing something. I dunno if you can have the woman walking back to him, an implication that something happens with her, I don’t know. It’s just very obvious something is cut there.
Cutting most of the young Cassian flashbacks? THANK YOU.
I still have more, but so far, it’s incredibly seamless other than that one section there. It just feels like I’m watching a movie. I’m almost an hour into it, and it’s just excellently done. You are so very good at this.
The crawl is a bit of a placeholder at the moment. I want to stick to the classical 3 paragraph crawl, bit I agree that it needs more work.
The bar scene is the main issue given that I’ll be cutting the sister subplot.
What I’d love to do is edit it so that he goes into the bar looking for a “buyer”. It may be possible but I haven’t had a deep look into it. Once I go back to the finishing I’ll have a proper look at whether that’s possible.
The way I cut it in the Workprint was done to imply that he was there for pleasure, but once the security guards started to take an interest in him, he decided to leave. I agree that it’s not ideal.
Yeah, that’s what I was hoping you could find a work-around for. That he’s going there for a buyer or pleasure. I hope you are able to. Either will work. I hope to get back to this by tomorrow at the latest. Again, it’s just so effortlessly done. Kudos.