I think the added clarity is nice, though it does bring to the forefront the inherent issues in the voice. It sounds like ‘I love you’ is too close to the camera for a line delivered from a medium distance away from the camera. For instances like this I find that adding just a touch of reverb can help ‘place’ the sound into the environment, though you don’t want to overdo the effect.

Another issue may be that the line is too centralized in the mix. If the sound is coming from the central channel it gives the effect that the camera is placed directly in front of an actor, so putting some of the voice in the left and right speakers, and even maybe some reflected sound in the rear speakers, may help for a surround mix.

Finally, the line is definitely lower in energy than you’d expect for Finn’s usual shouted delivery, so perhaps instead of increasing the volume of the line, you could try decreasing the volume of the surrounding effects.

All in all, I think your first attempt sounds more natural in terms of timing and volume, but these suggestions may give that version the clarity you’re after without highlighting the limitations of the line.