I like the idea, but I agree too many short scenes. I’d arrange it a little differently and cut a bit more:
- Begin with the crawl, scroll down in space to the ship.
- Cut the stuff with the captain/Nute Gunray/etc.
- First interior shot should just be Qui-Gonn/Obi-Wan enter, what’s in the mock-up is good. They should be our first characters we see.
- Move on to Gunray talking to Palpy as we saw in the mock-up, then go from that to a cut where they are told they have the transmission from Amidala.
- Then to Amidala talking to the Jedi Council which gives us a nice flow. Which then ends with them discussing “that can only mean invasion” which leads to -->
- Then the ship explosion, but no need to show the captain/co-captain, all we need is to see the exterior/explosion.
- And then to the Jedi reaction/fight.
All of that flows and shouldn’t have the choppy feel to it. (I don’t think.)