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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 7

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A man got lucky in a bar, as after few drinks he managed to pick up quite a hottie. So they went to her place and after a romantic dinner for two they went to bed
After a great sex the man feels an urge to smoke a cigarette - so he asks her (still clinging to his body) if he could get a light. She says a zippo should be on the night table. He reaches for it and notices a framed picture of a bearded man.
- "Oh damn, now I'm going to hear that's your husband" he says with resignation in his voice,
- "No, honey..." - she purrs in reply,
- "...well, then it must be your boyfriend? or ex-husband?" he keeps on asking,
- "No, you silly" she smiles and gently pets his torso "...it was me before the surgery...".
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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O boy RRS...

Originally posted by: ricarleite
Originally posted by: StarTrooper3000

Jet Taxi
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(30 January 2002, Brazil) Airport taxi drivers frequently hear the announcement, "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only." But Santos Dumont airport in Rio de Janeiro may need to add a new phrase: "The runway is for take-off and landing of airplanes only."
"The signs that tell you to stop when the plane is on the runway are practically invisible," said the director of the local taxi cooperative. Apparently a Boeing 737 preparing for takeoff was equally invisible to one 64-year-old taxi driver, who sped onto the runway after dropping off his fare. He was right behind the jet when it revved its engines in preparation for a 140-mph takeoff.

Local aviation experts say the force of the 737’s jets is comparable to a hurricane, but, we assume, much hotter. The taxi was spun 25 meters through the air, hit the rocks at Guanabara Bay, and ejected its driver. The man’s tip for the trip was a broken skull and thorax. He is presently in a coma.

Airport authorities cited driver error as the cause of the accident.


I vaguely remember that one. I've been to that airport dozens of times for the past few months, and I still have no idea how he was able to drive by the end of the runway. The airport is located in a small "peninsula" thing, so that you only see water until the plane hits the ground. The runway is so small and the airport is so old that since last month it has been used only for Sao Paulo - Rio flights (the most common flight over here). I don't remember seeing any easy way for a taxi to get over there, so I guess he sneaked in during the night for reasons only known to him, as there's absolutely nothing there for him to see. Maybe he was so stupid he thought he could get customers right out of the runway. But the fact is it did really happen, I remember seeing images of it on TV, and it was featured on Discovery Channel's Mythbusters.


I remember it from Mythbusters. & I remember the pictures of it; they showed a road behind the runway but this says he was on the runway...maybe it was suicide?
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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here's another joke Who do the University of waterloo engineering students fear the most?





Canadian immagration
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Originally posted by: StarTrooper3000

I remember it from Mythbusters. & I remember the pictures of it; they showed a road behind the runway but this says he was on the runway...maybe it was suicide?


There are better ways to kill youself, but there is NO way he could have done this without noticing. He had to druve all the way around the airport, which stands between the avenue and the little artifical "peninsula" where the runway is, and he had to either drive over some sidewalks, or sneak the car through some locked gates I've seen. If he wanted to kill himself he could have pulled a "The spy who loved me" stunt and driven into the water.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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www.engrish.com

Very inderestin web side abot misspeld adevertizments. ^_^
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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RRS. YOUR BACK BUDDY WHERE YOU BEEN.
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Originally posted by: ricarleite
Originally posted by: StarTrooper3000

I remember it from Mythbusters. & I remember the pictures of it; they showed a road behind the runway but this says he was on the runway...maybe it was suicide?


There are better ways to kill youself, but there is NO way he could have done this without noticing. He had to druve all the way around the airport, which stands between the avenue and the little artifical "peninsula" where the runway is, and he had to either drive over some sidewalks, or sneak the car through some locked gates I've seen. If he wanted to kill himself he could have pulled a "The spy who loved me" stunt and driven into the water.


Maybe it was a bet Whatever happened it was odd & not to be repeated
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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Now I am neither agreeing with this, or disagreeing with this, but this is here for you to laugh at or not. Please DO NOT START A POLITICAL DEBATE. NOR IS THIS THE PLACE TO DEFEND ANY HANDICAPPED PERSONS WHICH MAY BE OFFENDED. That said...

In Tennessee a flyer shows Bush as a Special Olympics sprinter and declares, "Voting for Bush is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded."

http://www.synthstuff.com/mt/archives/BushOlympics.jpg
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks."They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says,"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"He is still alive and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
"May the force be with you!"
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Originally posted by: RRS-1980
www.engrish.com

Very inderestin web side abot misspeld adevertizments. ^_^


Hey, it's just like me writing in english...
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Ric, you are a better speller than a few of the native English speakers I can think of on this site. Shimmy comes to mind...

Have you always been fluent in English or did you pick up on it later in life (I'm assuming your primary language is Portuguese)?
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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I became fluent on english by the age of 11. I still make some mistakes though, and I stutter when I speak.

I apparently can learn other languages with ease, so right now I'm trying to learn japanese by myself.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Some people simply have a gift we could call "language comprehension" (lol, sounds like a statistic from RPG), which makes learning new languages easier for them than for average Jo (or Jane). I knew a guy from States, who picked up few languages as he traveled around the world; last time he learned to fluently speak Japanese and after living some 6 months in my city he had a very good command of Polish language.


I feel pretty ambivalent about laughing from people from those Darwin's Awards. They were idiots and reall asked for it to happen, but on the other hand making fun of the actual death leaves a bitter taste... so here are few "nominees" for this award, who come (AFAIK) from Poland - nobody died, but some bodily harm may have occured:

***

Mrs Monique (coincidence?) and Mr Peter were on a business trip. He persuaded her to give him some oral sex as he was driving the car. He had so violent orgasm that he lost contol of the vehicle and crashed the SUV on a tree. She had almost bitten off his penis... He divorced her later, blaming her for.... damaging the car

***

Mr Edward visited hospital with a cellular phone in... his anus. The phone kept on ringing (& vibrating) all the time The personnel of the hospital was kind enough to "believe" in his story, that the phone stuck inside him as he slipped and fall on the wet floor in the bathroom...

***

Mr Roman liked to take his car outside the town, find a desolate place and ... sit on the gearbox, so that the lever sticks inside his anus. Once upon a time he made sex with the gear lever so vigorously, that the head unscrewed and remained in the anus, with Mr Roman being unable to remove it. So he tried to sit on the lever shaft to connect the two parts... he landed in the hospital with 3 punctures in the colon...
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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In a couple instances, medical staff should have refused them treatment just to teach them a lesson.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Yeah, as there are people with serious health problems waiting in the line...

But imagine for a second an ass that talks "please leave a message after the signal.... fart!" or "press 1 to contact the customer support" I just wonder how many more people in the world will shove their cellular phones in their.......
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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Wow, RRS. This is like a half dozen posts in a single day. To what do we owe the pleasure?
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Originally posted by: RRS-1980

Mr Edward visited hospital with a cellular phone in... his anus. The phone kept on ringing (& vibrating) all the time The personnel of the hospital was kind enough to "believe" in his story, that the phone stuck inside him as he slipped and fall on the wet floor in the bathroom...


This is quite a common ocorrence in hospitals around the world, people who "accidently" insert on their anus objects like bottles, pens, flashlights, clocks (Pulp Fiction comes to mind), cell phones, even guns.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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To the fact that I'm tired of the gamers displeased with "Pacific Fighters" flight simulator, who dominate the forum I regularly visit, but most importantly to the risk of the head developer dumping his next sim project, the one I was supposed to make an add-on to.

I was the spiritus movens of the add-on for that new game, so the thought of wasting a year of my life for something that may be soon cancelled due to such "trivial" reason as budget problems makes me really depressed.

So I need to escape from what used to be my daily chore... I even play games more often now. I'm trying not to think about my real life problems at least for a moment.
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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OMFG RRS...OMFG. Those are very good stories. Are any of them confirmable?
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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Here's a good one I heard today, but if u don't get it, there will be a short explaination.


A little boy was being beaten by his father, so the parents got divorced. Then, the mother began beating the boy, so as a friend found out, she let the correct folks know and the mother was taken to court. With the little boy at court, the judge determined the custody of the little boy would be given to his aunt.
"No!" the boy protested, "she beats me more than my mother."
The judge took this into consideration, and then he turned to the boy's only other relatives, his grandparents.
"No!" the boy shouted again, "they beat me worse than anyone!"
The judge did not know what to do about this, but he knew he could not put the boy with someone who would harm him. He asked the boy, "Who do you propose we give custody of you over to?"
After a long deliberation, it was announced that custody of the little boy would be given over to the San Fransisco 49ers, since they can't beat anybody!


Note: The 49ers are a football team who is currently 1-6
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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A shrink is conducting a therapy session with four mothers. After a brief talk he comes to first conclusions:
- I'm sorry, ladies, but I have to inform you that every one of you is having a particular obsession.
He turns his face to first woman:
- You are obsessed with food, you even named your daughter Candy.
He turns his face to second mother:
- Now you, ma'am, you are obsessed with money, it's so obvious, you named your daughter Penny after all.
He turns his face to third woman:
- And you have problems with alcohol. Isn't your daughter called Brandy?
He finally turns his face to his last patient:
- While you, ma'am,...
Suddenly the woman grabs his little son in a hurry:
- C'mon, Dick, we're leaving....
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq
by John Robbins

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.

If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain’t easy,
And your manhood’s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We’ll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.


EDIT: I am republican.

I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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Now that's a good song to sing at the camp fire, eating marshmellows with your buddies, eh? That is, until the CIA agent comes in and take everyone.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Time
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Originally posted by: StarTrooper3000
Here's a good one I heard today, but if u don't get it, there will be a short explaination.


A little boy was being beaten by his father, so the parents got divorced. Then, the mother began beating the boy, so as a friend found out, she let the correct folks know and the mother was taken to court. With the little boy at court, the judge determined the custody of the little boy would be given to his aunt.
"No!" the boy protested, "she beats me more than my mother."
The judge took this into consideration, and then he turned to the boy's only other relatives, his grandparents.
"No!" the boy shouted again, "they beat me worse than anyone!"
The judge did not know what to do about this, but he knew he could not put the boy with someone who would harm him. He asked the boy, "Who do you propose we give custody of you over to?"
After a long deliberation, it was announced that custody of the little boy would be given over to the San Fransisco 49ers, since they can't beat anybody!


Note: The 49ers are a football team who is currently 1-6


Yeah, you know it's bad when they can't even beat my beloved Bears. (who are now 2-5, BTW)
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com