I really like Nev’s second paragraph (in his first version) and RogueLeader’s third. Having Padmé call on the Jedi streamlines things. I still think she should be mentioned as part of the solution to the Republic’s complacency though, tying her back to the idea that she’s this movie’s Death Star plans, which gives the plot a very clear macguffin.
A golden age is ending.
As corruption spreads in the
Galactic Republic, Queen Amidala
of Naboo stands as a vocal
champion of democracy.
Sensing an opportunity for
profit and power, the greedy
Trade Federation has surrounded
her prosperous homeworld with
a blockade of deadly warships.
At the Queen’s request, the
mystical Jedi Knights have
dispatched Qui-Gon Jinn and his
apprentice to the planet,
seeking to preserve the peace
and ensure the safety of her
people…
I feel like these are key points worth achieving in the crawl:
- Setting: A galaxy, whose dominant power is a Galactic Republic and which features ‘mystical’ peace-preserving Jedi. (‘Legendary’ is good but for an introduction to the franchise I think we need to make it clear that the Jedi are magical.)
- Context for setting / broad stakes: Galactic golden age is ending, because democracy is declining, and corruption is growing.
- Macguffin: Queen Amidala resists this decline. (This cements her as of interest to all parties.)
- Triggering events: Trade Federation presence, Queen’s request for aid. (Gives Queen more agency and character. Valorum and the structure of the Republic aren’t important enough to the actual plot we see onscreen to be mentioned. The pace we’re fed this information in the movie is more comfortable.)
- Tangible threat: Blockade/warships. (Which will be defeated at the end to resolve the plot.)
- Humanised stakes / motivation for goodies: Safety of Naboo’s people. (Also serves to emphasise a key element otherwise only lightly touched on.)
- Protagonist / agent of change: Qui-Gon Jinn. (Named because he isn’t named early in the movie, whereas Obi-Wan should not be named so as to not draw attention from Qui-Gon, and because he is far more passive in this movie.)
As for the Trade Federation’s motivations, which were never super clear, you at least have Naboo’s prosperity matched to the Trade Federation seeking profit, which is more explicit, and then more implicitly you can link them seeking power to the fact that the Queen has been linked to anti-corruption. But they’re at least all interesting words this way. Mentioning their opportunism also goes some way to implying that they’re possibly overreaching, which can serve to explain some of their worries about whether or not they’re going to get away with this, and why it escalates.