I’ve no idea why I came back to this today, but I’ve been mulling over TPM again recently and decided to take another crack at the crawl.
The earlier version had a little too much exposition, and a bit too much complex language. It also hinged on a few experiments for changes I had wanted to try which ultimately didn’t work out - so this version could now serve as an alternative for an unedited movie. I wanted this to work as your very first (chronological) Star Wars crawl, your introduction to the franchise, and set up the galaxy for some of the plot points which will happen in later movies. I also tried to emphasise the elements which pay off in this movie, and cut out a few things which were covered by dialogue in the first few scenes.
The galaxy is growing unstable. As the
Galactic Republic’s protection of its
planets diminishes, QUEEN AMIDALA of
Naboo stands as a vocal champion against
corruption.
Sensing an opportunity, the greedy TRADE
FEDERATION have sent a mighty warship
to her home world, in an attempt to
make her appear weak.
The Jedi Order, mystical defenders of
the Republic, have dispatched Jedi Knight
QUI-GON JINN and his apprentice to
maintain the peace and protect the Queen.
I feel like planetary protection should be ‘diminishing’ which is neither too hot nor too cold, and I also don’t want to overtly call the Republic corrupt, but I’d still like to show that both of those things are happening (because it’s the best reason for the Trade Federation wanting to silence her), while also avoiding the words ‘bureaucracy’ or ‘complacency’ because they are boring.
The weakest part of this is “in an attempt to make her appear weak”. I’m trying to convey that they’re wanting to silence her voice or reduce her political power, but I don’t want to use the word ‘voice’ as I think the phrase ‘vocal champion’ carries a lot of weight, and I think mentioning the word ‘politics’ is only going to remind people that they don’t like all the politics in the prequel trilogy. Perhaps “in a direct challenge to her growing power”, or “to challenge her growing popularity”, or “in a direct challenge to the threat she poses”? But we also need to contend with the idea that keeps coming up in the plot, that somehow they can get her to “sign a treaty” which makes this all OK? Perhaps “in an attempt to force her submission”? “In an attempt to force her to sign a treaty of submission” feels too fanedity.
We need more exciting action words!