Wow, I really like this idea! The two biggest issues I had with the introduction were those that took out all momentum before you’d even begun: Firstly the Jedi on the Trade Federation ship, and secondly the Jedi’s introduction to Jar Jar. But my earlier idea, to skip the TF ship, robbed the Jedi of some useful context and their official role as negotiators, and left you with a lot of work to introduce them to Jar Jar.
Having the Jedi’s purpose being to negotiate with the Gungans and Naboo is a far more elegant idea - and then the Trade Federation attack can come as a suprise. It’s also far neater than worrying about trade negotiations and taxation - if we set up Gungans/Naboo as the central conflict, it’s well paid off by the later plot elements which bring it full circle, and I think make up for the additional focus on the Gungans. We’ve also spoken a lot in this thread about anchoring the plot of this first film much more around Queen Amidala and Naboo, allowing the other world-building elements (for future films) to emerge naturally through the story.
I might not execute the idea exactly as you did, but the idea of a quick context-setting negotiation that fails, followed by a suprise invasion and escape, is far more interesting and keeps the energy up where it’s needed. I might give this a bash myself.
I also loved how you used some alternate lines, including Qui-Gon’s “anxieties” line and Jar Jar’s “negotiations” from the Clone Wars.
Here’s a quick little attempt at a crawl.
The Galactic Republic is failing. As
its ability to protect its worlds
diminishes, the greedy TRADE FEDERATION
have grown increasingly bold in their
quest to exploit vulnerable planets.
QUEEN AMIDALA, elected ruler of the
verdant planet Naboo, stands as a vocal
champion of peace. But tension is
growing between her people and the
native Gungans, and she has petitioned
the Senate for aid.
In response, The Jedi Order, mystical
wielders of THE FORCE and defenders of
the Republic, have dispatched Jedi
Knight QUI-GON JINN and his apprentice
to seek a peaceful solution.