Thanks RL! It is good to take breaks.
I like it a lot - like RL said, the dialogue sounds natural; and I enjoy the subtle reference to the Falcon from the stormtroopers - but (nitpicking) it feels a little awkward to base it all around the one hangar. “Sir, she’s 100% heading for this hangar, no doubt about it!” “Sir, she, uh…she wasn’t there. So most of us left.” “OH WAIT CRAP SHE’S THERE NOW MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!”
Maybe make it more vague - “Sir, the prison level is on lockdown. All troops are on alert; she won’t escape.” “Sir, Captain Phasma has ordered a full sweep of the base. She can’t hide forever.” “Sensors triggered in Hangar 718. We’re searching the area.”
The reason I removed the official line (the last suggestion) was because Rey had just escaped the cell and presumably wouldn’t have managed to get to the hangar at that point. I do think it’s important to reference a hangar since the Kylo update 2 implies prior discussion, the question is how best to do that.
“Sir, the only way out of the cell block is through hangar 718. We’re searching the area.”
“The longer it takes to find her, the more dangerous she becomes.”
For the falcon jumping around at the end idea is there any footage from the Galaxy’s Edge promos that could work?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyMC9A4-ZXI
This was the only promo I could find with Falcon footage, but I don’t know why the Falcon would fly into a canyon like that in this sequence.