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GEORGE LUCAS TO REDO FIRST DATE WITH LOCAL CHEERLEADER
Modesto, California - October 3, 2004
At a recent press conference held to celebrate last month's release of the original Star Wars trilogy on dvd, multi-millionaire filmmaker George Lucas announced his plans to re-enact his first date with Modesto cheerleader Tiffany Nolan.
"For my overall arc as a human being and a filmmaker to make the most sense, dramatically," explained the movie mogul, "it was critical that I at least get to second base with Ms. Nolan all those years ago. Unfortunately, the technology needed for that to happen just didn't exist at the time."
The date in question occured on a warm summer night in August 1962, and consisted of a trip to the local malt shop, a screening at a drive-in cinema, followed by a slap in the face and an uncomfortable drive home. All told, the evening was concluded by 9:30 pm.
"That last thing will be the easiest to take care of," Lucas explained emphatically, "in those days, the attention span of an average audience was much shorter. This time, I'm confident that the date will last until midnight, at least."
Originally brought in for a modest budget of $2.60 US (for burgers, shakes, and movie tickets), the evening will now benefit from George's seemingly limitless production budget, of the type that has secured his position as one of Forbes magazine's 100 wealthiest men in America.
"Yes, the higher production value has enabled me to really do the evening the way I originally wanted it done, including installing one of my patented THX sound systems in the Twin Star Drive-In", Lucas explained. "In fact, I'm pretty sure it was the substandard sound and picture quality at the Twin Star that killed the date in the first place."
In answer to rumours that George wanted to cast Natalie Portman in the role of Tiffany Nolan, but she and her team of lawyers had squashed the idea before it was even on the table, George replied sullenly, "It was a scheduling thing, more than anything. To get creative artists of this caliber all together at the same time is never easy. I mean, just look at how long it's taking us to make Indiana Jones 4!"
Instead, original Modesto cheerleader Tiffany Nolan, 59, will be portraying herself once again, only this time with her dialogue and actions brought more in line with Lucas's original vision.
"That creepy little toad!" Explained Nolan when contacted by telephone, "I always knew he would pull something like this! I still say that that was, like, the worst date ever! I only went out with the little square 'cause I thought his friend Jack Tate was coming - now he was totally boss!"
Despite Nolan's significant aging in the years since 1962, Lucas has enlisted the aid of his crack team of special effects gurus at Industrial Light and Magic to digitally reconstruct the aging woman to restore her to her former beauty, plus adding what George calls, with a grin, "a few new surprises."
"Ultimately it's about staying true to your original dreams and aspirations," the filmmaker concluded, "and not letting anybody tell you that you can't do something. And I'm just glad that I live in a country and a time where I have the freedom to go back and do things the way I always wanted them."
Ex-cheerleader Tiffany Nolan, on the other hand, had different views. "This doesn't make any sense," she pleaded, sobbing into the phone, "don't I get some sort of say in this? I'm nearly a senior citizen... I have grandchildren of my own! How is this possible?"
Apprarently, in the magical, marvelous world of George Lucas, anything is possible.
