OK, my new edit of the intro is available now. 16 minutes long, but the main changes are the first ~8 min.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT JAR JAR’S VOICE AT THE END OF THIS POST.
PLEASE READ BEFORE WATCHING.
So, this edit isn’t quite complete, but that’s as much as I could get done today, and it’s decent enough to share for feedback.
While it might sound like a fairly radical edit of the intro, this still contains the vast majority of context from the original. We don’t have the Jedi on the Neimoidian ship, but we preserve most of the context that’s relevant to the plot, and what’s mostly lost is their action scenes (but we still get three Jedi action scenes in this intro). We also don’t have Otoh Gungah, which is mainly used to justify Jar Jar’s involvement, which isn’t required with alternate voice lines.
My feeling is that this flows very logically and naturally. Specifically, taking the criticism of my first attempt to heart, I first sought out the scenes which best flowed together, then ordered them to best control the flow of information for the viewer. I think it’s now a lot clearer, and emphasises many core plotlines - Neimoidian boldness, Sidious’ influence, Amidala’s role, and the goals of the Jedi. And the tension and viewer excitement is held for longer, so the energy levels are good.
But also, on pacing, it feels a lot more like the OT - specifically A New Hope. If we compare the two, Queen Amidala is our Death Star plans, which makes Naboo (not the Neimoidian ship) our Tantive IV which must be escaped in order to start the plot properly. The Jedi must get the Queen to Coruscant = the good guys must get the Death Star Plans to the Rebellion. ANH spends the first ten minutes on the Tantive IV (with an exciting pursuit-and-capture, clarifying the core conflict, worldbuilding, and kicking off the main plot). It then spends six minutes with the droids on Tattooine for lighter jeopardy and worldbuilding, then introduces Luke at minute 16. Now, this introduction spends the first eleven minutes on Naboo (with an exciting invasion-and-chase, clarifying the core conflict, worldbuilding, and kicking the main plot). It then spends five minutes in space for lighter jeopardy and worldbuilding, then introduces Anakin at minute 16. IT LIKES’S POEMRY. IT’S RHYTHM.
Also, while you don’t want to rush through the film at all, and you want to keep it to a decent length, trimming the opening like this also achieves two things: It gets Darth Maul in play earlier, so he can hang over the plot for longer; and it helps identify the main character - Anakin. The rest are supporting cast, with enough character that we understand and care about them, but after this intro the main bulk of the film from here is really Anakin’s story, with his actions driving the plot.
Oh, and I also intend to borrow a few other nice touches from Hal’s version for this intro - removing the droid’s weird scream as it’s force pushed, and the weird ‘does not compute’ dialogue.
IMPORTANTLY-
I haven’t finished the Jar Jar voicework yet. When you watch, please bear in mind the following: Jar Jar’s motivation (whether he’s already a representative or just a regular Gungan) is that he thinks Queen Amidala is a great leader and he wants to do what he can to protect her. There’s lots of lines in TCW that support that, that I’ll work to include soon. (He’s not necessarily a competent protector and he’s still goofy, but his heart’s in the right place and importantly HE HAS A MOTIVATION NOW.)
In place of the voicework I’ll do soon, I’ve just put in some of my existing Jar Jar alternate voice lines for now, which don’t always fit the context (he knows the Queen’s captured before she gets captured, for example), but hopefully they should serve to remind y’all that different things are being said at those moments, without it being too jarring. Importantly, one thing I’ll add is Jar Jar immediately identifying Qui-Gon as a Jedi, to help the audience make the same connection back to the crawl.
Anyway, have a look, BUT REMEMBER THE JAR JAR STUFF ISN’T FINISHED