Not to belabor the crawl, but I think it’s still a bit…wordy. Just based on how it’s designed - how it moves slowly and then fades into the distance - I think short sentences are easier for the audience to read in the limited time allotted.
The other concern is that I don’t really think anyone in the First Order cares about Luke and the Jedi except for Kylo and (to a lesser, less personal extent) Snoke. Kylo has the personal vendetta against Luke; and Snoke really only cares once there’s a threat that the Resistance will join with Luke to help bring about a new Jedi Order. “The droid will soon be delivered to the Resistance…our strategy must now change…” And Hux’s line: “Supreme Leader Snoke was explicit. Capture the droid if we can, but destroy it if we must.” It sounds to me like Snoke mainly wants to prevent a Jedi resurgence, rather than the First Order actively hunting them down.
Bear in mind too, that the galaxy perpetually has short-term memory loss about Jedi even existing. Everyone forgot about them 15 years after the Order fell the first time, and now 30 years later, when Luke’s own sister is helping to run the Republic, Rey says “Luke Skywalker? I thought he was a myth.” I know Jakku’s not the most advanced society; but still, people are stupid, yo.
I took Hux’s speech as, like you said, fascist propaganda. But, I suppose there are tons of other reasons why he might feel betrayed by the republic. Personally, I gravitate towards general disorder and chaos in the galaxy, due to ineffective New Republic governance. That explains A) Why the Senate are a bunch of dumb-dumbs who can’t even act against an obvious threat. B) Why the First Order thinks things were better under the Empire. C) Why they chose the name First Order. D) Rose’s complaints about the economy and wealth inequality in TLJ. In a similar vein, E) Why the Republic apparently has to buy their weapons and ships from private contractors, instead of having their own construction yards. Heck, maybe that even explains why Kylo would help the First Order destroy the Republic; why would a tiff with his uncle cause him to want to overthrow the entire galactic government? Etc.
“The Republic told us things would be better without the Empire. Look at how terrible everything is now though. They lied to us. We need to replace them.”
Obviously, this is all conjecture, and we can’t really too much get into this in the space of a title crawl anyway.
So, all of that in mind, how’s about something like this:
The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, working
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
In the ensuing chaos,
Imperial sympathizers
have begun rising in power.
Declaring the Republic to
be broken and inept,
they demand a return
to the FIRST ORDER
of the Empire.
While the Senate stalls,
a few determined members
secretly form a daring
RESISTANCE to the threat.
They pursue a lead to the
Last Jedi’s whereabouts,
believing that Luke can
end the Imperial threat
once and for all…
Every line is 25 characters or less, except for “Have begun rising in power.” which is 27. This way, you also get the direct lead-in to Poe’s mission on Jakku (rather than the more vague “find the Last Jedi”), which matches the convention of the other films’ crawls.