Looking forward to seeing it!
My feeling from my own rough demo was that removing the Jedi on the control ship might not be possible after all, though the pacing through the intro might still be improvable.
So I’m really excited to have someone else take a crack at this just in case!
Here’s my version of the intro! I’ve done what I could to polish up certain things, but those things that I can’t do are still incomplete. Hope it’s an improvement!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/118OZlN1IP2C3MvN-dsCAQd7AwEWqltwy/view?usp=sharing
Oh man it’s a treat to see my crawl for real! Though I think Hal’s right, and it is too heavy. Good to see though!
On the actual content, I think your original criticism still stands, and it cuts too quickly between too many locations, so there’s no room to breathe, and the pacing is a bit frantic. Having tested this idea, and tending to prefer conservative changes, I suspect that just a light tightening of the original opening might be most appropriate.
That said, I do have a couple more ideas I might try, for cutting the Jedi on the Neimoidian ship and allowing the movie to have better momentum at the beginning:
The first idea: If we’re trimming the Neimoidian ship, and a valid criticism of my original attempt was that we flick between too many locations, then perhaps we don’t need to see the Jedi on their ship at all - perhaps they begin on the planet. That way, the first time we see them they’re in action. There’s also a natural flow into that content, as it could be preceded by the army arriving in the swamp, which could itself be preceded by the Neimoidian/Sidious dialogue about the invasion. The opening crawl could simply help place them already on mission.
The second idea: This one’s a little more radical, but we could preserve some of the Neimoidian ship drama and existing plot, and build tension, if the ambassadors sent to the Neimoidians are different characters the Jedi. If the Jedi begin on the planet, getting flushed out by Trade Federation forces, then we still have the footage of a Republic ship arriving on the Neimoidian ship, and being destroyed. Plus we might be able to tie that in with Queen Amidala’s accusative phonecall.
Scene ordering might be:
- Opening crawl
- Neimoidians and Sidious discuss their hopes for the invasion
- Second set of shots of Trade Federation forces landing (this set nicely transitions from the sky to the ground)
- Jedi fleeing tanks, discover Jar Jar (a bit of new Jar Jar dialogue here might help give some key exposition)
- Jar Jar agrees to take the Jedi to Theed
- Set of shots showing Trade Federation forces travelling overground to Theed, Padmé laments at the window
Going with the second idea as well, you could put the scenes of the ambassador-but-not-Jedi ship arriving, then getting immediately destroyed, right after the crawl, which feels like it should flow OK. And Padmé’s smack talk could either come around that time - near Sidious calling her naive - or after her lament later on.