Yeah, even just looking at it I may change ‘IMPERIAL FIRST ORDER’ to ‘sinister FIRST ORDER’ and ‘barbaric hidden fortress’ to ‘hidden Imperial fortress’, which would imply that the Starkiller was first an Imperial project. It’s a shame because I like the whole line taken up by that title, but it may be clearer the other way…

JEDIT: This crawl also threads the needle of the fortress being important to the story without stating that it is a superweapon, which would work for any edit which removes that aspect of the story 😉