The GALACTIC REPUBLIC is failing. As
its Senate becomes more complacent,
QUEEN AMIDALA, elected ruler of the
planet Naboo, stands as a vocal champion
against corruption.With the Republic’s ability to protect
its worlds diminished, the greedy TRADE
FEDERATION have invaded her home system,
in an attempt to force her compliance.The Jedi Order, mystical wielders of
THE FORCE and defenders of the Republic,
have dispatched Jedi Knight QUI-GON JINN
and his apprentice to bring the Queen to
safety on the capital planet of Coruscant.This crawl is excellent! I’m gonna use it, but swapping the last paragraph for the one in the official cut. The Jedi don’t know they’re going to rescue the Queen yet (at least in my cut and the official one), so it wouldn’t make sense to mention and I feel like this takes too much time elaborating on what a Jedi is. I’d rather use that time to say the chancellor sent them.
If you were going to drop the invasion angle, and remove some of the capitalisation that a few have objected to, you could end up something like-
The GALACTIC REPUBLIC is failing. As
its Senate becomes more complacent,
Queen Amidala, elected ruler of the
planet Naboo, stands as a vocal champion
against corruption.
With the Republic’s ability to protect
its worlds diminished, the greedy Trade
Federation have blockaded her home system,
in an attempt to force her compliance.
The Republic Chancellor has commanded
the JEDI ORDER, mystical wielders of
The Force, to dispatch Jedi Knight
Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice to
negotiate for peace…
This retains the highlight on Qui-Gon (rather than both Jedi) and explains the role of the Jedi within the Republic, whilst setting up the plotline of the Jedi being too close to Republic politics.
The concept that Padme wins because of the destruction of the control ship is a really nice touch.
Wait, that isn’t how it happens in the actual film?
In the original film, long before the battle is won, Padmé’s aide appears when Padmé is captured. The Neimoidians think they’ve been tricked and that the aide is the Queen (when really it’s a double bluff) but it’s enough of a distraction that Padmé and her guards get hidden weapons out of the furniture and win the gunfight, capturing Gunray. The problem with that is that it’s the aide who saves the day (or kind of Padmé through having the idea?), so it’s not exactly a good character moment for a main character, and that the other major victories are less necessary in scoring the overall win. It also means that victory comes early in the plot, further splitting the relevance of the four plots from each other.
A lot of edits have cut those scenes, for this reason!
Oh, and I agree with you that it’d be nice to OT-ify some of the screen graphics.