This is my attempt at it so far, if you care to take a look. I included the surrounding scenes because the Leia stuff doesn’t happen here now.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1xyqd6_NTFkYfmhuFUgBT_w64YZTk4UdL/view?usp=sharing
Yeah, that works.
I would have loved it if this scene has had some more weight to it, like being the third lesson Luke was owing Rey from VIII. But there is just not much to work with.
Under those circumstances, your take seems to be the most solid one.