Those are some great ideas! I really like ‘endless division’ and ‘mysterious hidden base’, among others. Trouble is, it has to fit well on the lines and ‘mysterious’ is just too long no matter how I slice it. Along those lines, I need to keep the paragraphs quite short to prevent it being too wordy which is most of the problem in the first place. That’s also why Luke goes without a Jedi title, keeping it implied that he’s the last Jedi. I’m pretty sure people wouldn’t be confused by that.

As for the First Order, I do want to keep some aspect of ‘Imperial’ in the final paragraph to directly call back to the first paragraph, and it’s probably weird to capitalize it as part of the First Order. Making the base ‘Imperial’ may have the added benefit of implying that this was a half-completed project of the Empire that the First Order merely made operational.

Adding ‘humble’ into the description of the village hopefully prevents confusion with Luke’s Jedi Knights. It’s important to me to establish the entire village as a single group, since without that information one could come away with the idea that only Tekka was an ally of Luke like the original crawl suggested. That makes it weird when the First Order makes a point of destroying the entire village and I even felt strange that Tekka pulled these random innocents into the whole thing. But maybe that was just me. So here’s a new attempt, checked to make sure it fits:

The last Jedi has vanished. In his absence, a new Imperial power has risen to threaten the galaxy.

Descending into endless division, some members of the Republic Senate have secretly called upon a daring RESISTANCE to find Luke Skywalker and restore the light of hope to the darkening stars.

Arising from its hidden Imperial fortress, the evil FIRST ORDER hastens toward a village on Jakku, a humble sanctuary of true believers who have found the key to the Jedi’s return…

Also: I could change ‘light of hope’ to ‘light of the Jedi’ with little issue. Which one seems best?