Regardless of your philosophical reasoning behind your dialogue changes, I really like them as it’s not just reinforcing something (The Jedi Order) that didn’t work the first time. I especially love your take on the “Be with me” scene & using Rey’s experiences to move her forward, rather than Jedi she (and everyone who only watches the movies) never met.

I also like the idea of acheiving some state of Balance. It’s a different interpretation, but I like Spence’s idea that TROS should be about Kylo moving towards the light & Rey the dark.

That having been said, to further your point home, the final line in your version should be Yoda saying “We, the Jedi, are what they grow beyond.” It’s a modified version of what Yoda said in TLJ, & it showcases that using & understanding The Force has to change. For bonus points, you could show Rey having Sith Eyes as she deflects Palpatine’s lightning, showing that she will be a different kind of Force user in the future.