Jupiter Ascending - 2014 - 3/10
After-hours at the zoo, there will be a shift switch.
Lions and chimps stroll concrete pathways, twirling cage keys, cigarettes dangling from lips.
Inside cages will be humans. On one cage will be a sign reading NON COMPOS MENTIS.
The grinning lunatic within will likely be watching Jupiter Ascending.
Despite atrocious reviews, I told myself it couldn’t be that bad.
Even so, I could go stupid. Apparently not stupid enough.
OK - one day our heroine is scrubbing toilets for a living. Then she finds out she is galactic royalty.
She actually owns planet earth!
Yay! No more taxes, no more waiting in line at the taco drive through, no more living with white trash relatives who want to sell her eggs for drug money.
Does she go that route? Aaaacccckkkk !!
She gets a teenage crush on wolf guy who flies about on magic shoes, she gullibly believes all sorts of lies from supposed relatives who do nothing all day - as they have for thousands of years. TV? Dining? Bathroom? Nope, they just sit around.
Expect lots of overwhelming CGI that adds zilch. Expect endless, overlong fights that are actually quite petty (wolf guy in combat with squads here and there). Expect a script geared for autistic cockroaches. Expect to see name actors sleepwalking their way through this vat of hogfat.
Further evidence of the sad creative decline of the Wachowski siblings.
Jupiter Ascending ain’t Fifth Element, let alone Interstellar or Gravity.
This makes Matrix Revolutions, the Zion crap, appear intelligent.
Yes - I watched it. Idiot.
Hopefully the inevitable porn spoof (Jupiter Ass-Ending) will prove superior.