That structure feels really compelling to me. We’re focused on Padme rather than having the Jedi stumble into the plot while expecting to negotiate.

I’d maybe shift the invasion even earlier, perhaps even the first shots (after a pan down to the planet?) A landing army, troops and tanks deployed and moving into the city, [ideally extra shots of damage/oppression], a Queen sadly and silently watching, until we hear she’s been captured.

If Amidala is the Death Star plans, that opening is the Tantive 4 being captured by the Star Destroyer.

Edit: One thing you might want to do to smooth out a couple of your changes would be to have TC-14 say something like “We’ll be dropping you off soon in the swamps not far from the city.” And if you’re going with the Jar Jar as native guide/ambassador, you could reference that there too. Even “We’ve just received a distress call from our contact” if you wanted to help explain the transition into the action.