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Post #1469895

Author
EddieDean
Parent topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Link to post in topic
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/1469895/action/topic#1469895
Date created
31-Jan-2022, 8:17 AM
Last modified
2-Feb-2022, 7:09 AM
Edited by
EddieDean
Reason for edit
None provided

Oof, just spotted something else to amend what I’d just said-

Queen Amidala (the figurehead) is the macguffin, Padmé (revealed in the third act as the true Queen) is a character with real agency. This way you don’t reveal that Padmé is Queen until the right moment.

Perhaps-

The GALACTIC REPUBLIC is failing. As
its Senate becomes more complacent,
QUEEN AMIDALA, elected ruler of the
planet Naboo, stands as a vocal champion
against corruption.

With the Republic’s ability to protect
its worlds diminished, the greedy TRADE
FEDERATION have invaded her home system,
in an attempt to force her compliance.

The Jedi Order, mystical wielders of
THE FORCE and defenders of the Republic,
have dispatched Jedi Knight QUI-GON JINN
and his apprentice to bring the Queen to
safety on the capital planet of Coruscant.

The key factions are the Galactic Republic (complacent, corrupt, unable to act), the Trade Federation (greedy, opportunistic), and the Jedi Order (protectors, mystical, act semi-independently of the Senate). The key characters are Queen Amidala (champion of democracy) and Qui-Gon (a Jedi Knight). The plot is escape from invasion.

Compare to the original crawl: The key factions are the Galactic Republic (in turmoil, bureaucratic), and the Trade Federation (objecting, greedy), and Jedi Knights (protectors, mediators, act on behalf of the Supreme Chancellor). The characters are the Supreme Chancellor (leader) and two Jedi Knights. The plot is taxation leading to blockade leading to negotiation.

With my suggestion you could perhaps do more to explain how getting the Queen to Coruscant might actually help (beyond just escape), but I think early dialogue captures some of that. It doesn’t explain what the force actually IS, nor does it hint at the dark power behind these events.