I wouldn’t add the whispers when Rey shoots the Stormtroopers, or remove the reference to the Death Star (I kind of like that bit of lampshading, even if it is a bit too cute by half.)
Personally I also don’t think the thumbs up moment lands as well without BB8 divulging the base location but I could go either way on that.
Otherwise I agree with everything on your list.
I can definitely see your point on those.
The only reasons I would say to include the whispers is that it was done on @Poppasketti’s cut of TLJ. Not sure if Hal added them to his or not. It is just a continuity thing with other fanedits of the sequels. So it could go either way.
I agree with the thumbs up moment as well. It is a cute moment but it kind of feels a little jarring if BB-8 does not give away the location.
As for the Death Star, it would be amazing if that hologram was replaced with Death Star II to show how much BIGGER Starkiller is. Plus removing the comparison would make the tagline of this edit irrelevant: “It’s another Death Star…”