Looking at the added shots next to the Kylo footage I think the castle shot needs to be a bit more yellow/orange (compare the clouds on the Kylo close-up shot), while the TIE flyover shot is too yellow/orange and should have a bit more red/pink (compare to the forest wide shot).
I don’t have the ear to comment on the technical side of things, but personally I think the version CaptainFaraday shared had a stronger delivery of the line, I feel like it made the line sound less breathy and gave it better emphasis.