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Post #1452631

Author
Cabijista
Parent topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused - RELEASED (to v2.0) up to S02E06. (I'd appreciate feedback on the new S02E02!)
Link to post in topic
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/1452631/action/topic#1452631
Date created
11-Oct-2021, 6:53 PM
Last modified
11-Oct-2021, 7:06 PM
Edited by
Cabijista
Reason for edit
None provided

Hi Eddie and Vranir

Really great suggestions there! Just a few final thoughts…

  • Having successfully protected Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous

Agreed that this works best as the sentence currently stands. However, I was thinking that Obi-Wans initial mission wasn’t to protect the duchess, but to investigate a possible link to separatists on Mandalore. He then encounters the terrorist bombing, finds death watches base of operations and finally stops them from an attempt to blow up mandalores equivalent of Air Force One and kidnap the duchess (paradoxically, since they were more than happy to shoot at her when she was on the moon). The point being, uncovering the identity of Death Watch and stopping both their attempts to harm the Duchess and to gain political footholds seems to be the real success of that mission for obi-wan. So I think a stronger alternative sentence would be…

  • Having thwarted the actions of the extremist group “Death Watch” in the Mandalore system, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous.

Agreed that since Ryloth hasn’t been introduced yet it has to be identified as a planet, otherwise you could be watching this for the first time and think Ryloth was a person.
Also upon further reflection, not sure about the “jail” end of that sentence as it sort of supposes that republic law is universal. I think a better alternative would be:

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending military secrets from the planet Ryloth to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to Coruscant to await trial.

I also just noticed the near rhyme of “plans” and “hands” between the two last sentences and now I can’t unsee it 😂. I think adding a “so easily” at the end would fix that.

———

So now just for the sake of clarification the whole crawl would read:

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • Having thwarted the actions of the extremist group “Death Watch” in the Mandalore system, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous.
  • Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that the assault plan against the Malevolence was leaked to Count Dooku, raising fears of a Separatist spy.

— new page —

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending military secrets from the planet Ryloth to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to Coruscant to await trial.
  • Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to uncover both Grievous’ location and Dooku’s plans.
  • But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands so easily…