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Post #1451888

Author
EddieDean
Parent topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [84%] - Season four COMPLETE!
Link to post in topic
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/1451888/action/topic#1451888
Date created
5-Oct-2021, 1:10 PM
Last modified
5-Oct-2021, 1:17 PM
Edited by
EddieDean
Reason for edit
None provided

Thanks again Vranir, good thoughts!

vranir said:
I like the first version better, but I do like the final line of the second.

Noted!

Other thoughts:
“refuse to take sides” > “refuse to take a side”

Surely sides? Since there are many neutral systems, and each might individually take a different side, as we see in the show.

“the Council of Neutral Systems” > “a COUNCIL OF NEUTRAL SYSTEMS”

Could do. By capitalising here we’re sort of saying it’s the focus of the episode (or the show at large), which it kind of is, though not as importantly as Mandalore.

I want to steer clear of the risk of confusion with the Confederacy of Independent Systems…

“to preserve their peace” > “to preserve the peace” (but is it really even “preserving” at this point?)

The peace I’m referring to here (but perhaps failing to make clear) is the peace belonging to the neutral systems. Therefore it’s THEIR peace they want to preserve through neutrality, not THE peace (which I’d read as being the Galaxy’s). But perhaps I need to convey that in a different choice of words.

I’m trying to convey that the neutral systems want to keep out of the war, so they’ve formed their council.

(I like my wording that implies that Mandalore was chosen to lead the council due to their commitment to abandon their own warlike ways due to the cost it had to their planet.)

I could maybe replace peace with independence, though.

I definitely don’t like “after destroying his flagship.” If you want the context in version 2, maybe use “With the Malevolence destroyed, the clone army hunts for Grievous, while Anakin returns Ahsoka to the Jedi temple to continue her studies.”

That sounds sensible, I can try tidier versions of that.

Is there room to change “Now” to “Meanwhile?” But then it might sound too much like the “while” in the prior sentence.

It might be a bit tight, but I could perhaps just drop “Now,” and leave it as it originally was, “A MANDALORIAN WARRIOR”

Should the Attack on the Republic cruiser be shown briefly at the start of the episode, much like the battle with the Malevolence was shown at the start of the prior episode? Or would that be creating too much of a pattern, where something happens, then we go investigate it?

No option here! It wasn’t shown in the episode, only in hologram shown by Obi-Wan early on.