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Much improved, but there are still a few minor changes I would recommend to improve the flow of the opening scenes.
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Instead of opening with Republic ships taking fire, open with the speeder bikes. Your opening crawl already said that the Republic fleet had been forced to retreat to a medical station. If you want an establishing shot, maybe use one that only shows the Separatist ships in orbit?
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When you cut away to the fleet at the med station and the Yoda/Windu transmission, show the entire conversation right then and there. Splitting it makes the first few minutes feel jumpier than it needs to.
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You could cut ObiWan’s line after “Bringing us here was a mistake,” which then would remove the odd line where he calls her his sweet and go straight to her response “You’ve served your purpose.”
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With the Yoda/Windu scene completed earlier, we next would transition directly to Anakin and ObiWan seeing the shuttle land. This still implies the passage of time (they’re in a different location on the planet), but it is less abrupt than going straight from Yalaren saying that he will take a ship personally and then it landing.
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Yalaren tells Yoda that it won’t be easy to punch through the blockade, but the next we see of the fleet is the reinforcements landing after the shield goes down. Is there any footage of a space battle that should be inserted somewhere in between, maybe even just the opening shot from the pre-2.0 version where Venators are exchanging fire with the blockade?
I feel like each of these changes would make a difference, but there are no major issues now with this episode. The opening crawl does a much better job of setting things up, and overall I rather like this. If I saw this and didn’t know what else was coming, I’d be interested to see more and I’d be willing to introduce it to someone else. Well done.