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Post #1447261

Author
vranir
Parent topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [COMPLETE] + Subtitles for season one!
Link to post in topic
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/1447261/action/topic#1447261
Date created
3-Sep-2021, 11:51 PM

A couple of further thoughts on the crawl to make it fit more closely with how you now introduce the situation:

  • “A huge Separatist blockade has forced the Republic support fleet to retreat…” > “The arrival of a Separatist blockade cuts off all communications and forces the Republic support fleet to retreat…”

This would emphasize that the Separatist fleet took the Republic by surprise, explaining their disadvantage. The present-tense wording would allow the retreat to be happening as the episode starts, instead of having happened already.

The tying of the comms situation directly to the fleet also would explain why Anakin and ObiWan are in the dark about everything except Ventress.

The last line then becomes about Anakin and ObiWan. “Unaware of the Separatist fleet, Obi Wan and Anakin trace the signal of the dark warrior Asaj Ventress to a building on the far side of the city…”

The “far side of the planet” sounds good but doesn’t make sense if Anakin and ObiWan are using speeder bikes instead of a shuttle/fighter. It’s also too far to be the place from which the droids march the next day.

Finally, is “dark warrior” the best intro title for Ventress? Alternatives could be the “fallen Jedi,” the “Sith assassin,” the “dark assassin,” “Dooku’s assassin,” etc. “Agent” could also be a good choice instead of “assassin” or “warrior.”