Here’s an attempt to shuffle the dyad revelation to be what causes the big swell. I also rejiggered the rest of the scene to try to fill in the void left by the dyad lines with… something.
My main issue with this is that the premise of this scene is Kylo telling Rey why Palpatine wanted her dead as a child, so there’s kind of two options here: a) have Kylo just answer with “he knew what you would become” and then keep “what Palpatine doesn’t know is…” before the dyad reveal, but this seems a bit like he’s suddenly changing subject without a satisfactory explanation, or b) what I’ve done in this mockup, where I’ve sort of implied the dyad is part of the answer to the question - but this does require some tweaking later to establish that Palpatine isn’t only just then finding out about the dyad.
Then again, the theatrical movie’s lines here aren’t exactly a satisfactory explanation of why Palpatine wanted Rey dead either: the elaboration Kylo gives originally is that Palps took issue with her having “his power” by being a Force-sensitive blood relation of his, but there’s no reasoning given as to why that necessitates death (and we do find out later that he didn’t actually want to kill her when she was a child at all!).
I’m trying to use lines that aren’t super crucial elsewhere. Most of their conversation of Pasaana is just exchanging unrelated jabs at each other so it’s reasonably easy to pick from there, for instance (I can definitely live without the line “I’m going to find you, and I’m going to turn you to the Dark Side!”).
Lurker chiming in here, but as a Rey Nobody proponent, I like this a lot. I think it could work to just let the audience assume that these two characters who have both studied the Force (whether through Luke’s aborted academy or independently studying the ancient Jedi texts) would know there is BIG SIGNIFICANCE to the idea that a Dyad would exist. Treat it similarly to The Prophecy in the prequels – use the term and react to it without feeling the need to explain it.
One suggestion along that line: after Kylo says “I’ve been in your head. Such pain in you, such anger. The Dark Side,” is there a way to change the pronoun in the next line to “you know who we are”? That may underscore that being half of The Dyad is what is dragging her to the dark side…letting the audience piece together that The Dyad is not only a long-prophesized thing but also a force (sorry) of evil. (I’m an audience member and not an editor, so apologies if that’s not an easy change to make, especially in a line with music swelling behind it…but it stood out as a possible tweak.)
One last thing: I think it would help a bunch if the third act on Exegol could be edited in a way where Palpatine always knew of the Dyad (but, perhaps, didn’t know how much power he could get from it). The whiplash of Palpy’s plans is one of the least successful elements of a movie with many less successful elements.