Yeah I think it would be a very jarring mood whiplash. As Jar Jar said, any vague suicidal thoughts would fit better for TROS where she carries way more guilt and weight in that story. It’s a sensible theme though, so I don’t think it should be gratituously included.
Regarding Jannah, I think it would be a bit of a pacing issue to introduce a seemingly random stormtrooper in the midst of the story in a way that could feel organic. Maybe a throwaway reference could work (a name drop for “TZ-1719” over comms).
Yet again I’ve encountered something that works spectacularly in text form but not so much in the actual film.
This surely has to do with the script’s tendency to overexplain everything in dialogue. Works great in written form but in film the overly wordy exposition comes across as clunky.
One of the issues with Snoke’s exposition in the scene is that doesn’t completely clarify if the Force bond between Kylo and Rey was indeed created by Snoke or if he’s lying. The fact that the bond persists after his death of course suggests the later, but your edit could make it more clear, and even tie the mind bridge to the Force dyad retcon in TROS.