I’m back with more notes! Wanted to get through at least all of Season 1, but moving house really gets in the way of things, so I’ll post what I have for now. I’ll try and keep commenting in the same way, so correct me if I’m going in a direction that’s not at all helpful for what you have in mind. Otherwise, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

I’m glad to see your inclusion of Forces of Destiny content, I imagine they’ll be served better in a chronological grouping like this, but I’m yet to view V2 of this episode.

EddieDean said:

And only the CG Clone Wars had such a radical range of tones. Tartakovsky’s CW had the humour in the animation and some ludicrous power scaling, Rebels was a little childish, Resistance was a little ‘HEY KIDS YEAH WOO!’, but only in TCW did you have a beheading during a military coup in one episode, and Jar Jar pretending to be a bombad general the next.

I’m going to eventually put some thought into what polish Rebels and Resistance might need, but IMO it’s always been TCW that REALLY needed a good tightening.

You summarise my thoughts about Resistance exactly, nothing against the show but it’s a little too on the childish side for me. I’m keen to see your thoughts on Rebels when you get there. Though I agree Clone Wars is in more dire need of a substantive restructure.

Delpheas said:

Here’s my sample of four edited Obi-Ani scenes in Dark Force Rising:
https://vimeo.com/560526924
(pass: restuctured)

In the first I cut almost all of Obi-wan’s objection to appointing Anakin to oversee the space forces.
In the second I cut Obi-wan saying anything other than “May the force be with you.”
In the third I cut Obi-wan repeatedly ordering Anakin not to follow Ventress and Anakin cutting him off.
In the fourth I cut what I felt was the most egregious of of Obi-wan’s Lecture.

My reasoning:
In the first and second scene, by cutting Obi-wan’s interjection and his explanation to Anakin that it was about his “maturity”, it reads much more (thanks to hearing his thoughts as he watches the army board the ships) that he is concerned more generally about the whole idea of Jedi fighting in the war. In the fourth scene Obi-wan says his concern regarding Anakin is that the Sith seem interested in him. If his concern was about Anakin’s maturity as he says in the current version, then when he later tells Anakin that he’s not a little boy any more, one wonders why he says it. Was it because he complained about not being trusted? Was it because he flagrantly disobeyed orders? Was it because he defeated an assassin? By trimming Obi-wan’s doubts, and his outright dismissals, what we get to see is Obi-wan voicing some concerns to a young man who he trusts and sees great potential in. Then at the end when Obi-wan recomends him for promotion it feels genuine, like Anakin has really proven himself, not in spite of Obi-wan’s trust in him, but because of it.

Edit edit:

Here’s a my rough take on an alternate opening for DFR. I think keeping Yoda’s intro is great, this is afterall kinda a TV movie/first prequel episode. It is okay if it has some pieces we won’t see again. But I like it better with the TCW:R logo.

https://vimeo.com/560596675 (pass: restructured)

Delpheas, your cuts to Tartakovsky’s Clone Wars work well. In the first Obi-Ani dialogue scene the cut feels a little abrupt, though there’s not much room to manoeuvre in terms of the original footage. I also miss the dialogue here in terms of the power play between Palpatine and the Jedi, so wonder if there’s any way for this element of the scene to be preserved? The intro idea is good, still preserving the 03 Clone Wars feel, while integrating it a little more with CW:R.

The new title for ‘Revival’ is great!

S3E3, Friend in Need

In the crawl consider, in the third sentence, ‘ally’ instead of ‘friend’? Also, a fullstop is missing from the end of the third sentence. In the second slide, ‘After great effort, Padme has arranged informal peace talks, with Satine volunteering Mandalore as host. / But hope for peace is slim, as tensions run high between the partisans, and long held grievances surface in Mina’s absence. / While Lux Bonteri draws conclusions about his mother’s death…’

S3E4, Death of Obi-Wan

In the crawl, instead of ‘specialists’ consider ‘sentinels’ or ‘watchmen’, as they’re Jedi classes from the KOTOR games that fit this description.
Great cuts in this episode, removing the box helps the pacing a great deal.

S3E5, Hunted

In the crawl, consider ‘locals’ instead of ‘natives’ in the second sentence; from the third sentence, ‘After the Holocron Crisis, Padawan Tano spends her respite from the war passing lessons on to the Younglings. / As the tides of war turn, Felucia has again fallen into conflict, with the Separatists establishing a base in its alien jungles. / Allied with the locals, Master Plo, Anakin, and Ahsoka defend the planet once more, now with the 501st Legion. / But for Ahsoka, a greater test lies in wait…’
It would be good to have a wipe transition at 22:30, but since it seems like the original episode break, I assume this would not be possible?

S3E7, Shadow Collective

In the crawl, second sentence, ‘The Death Watch, exiled from their homeworld, seek vengeance against Satine, and a return to the once feared past of Mandalore.’; I’d guess the ellipse at the end of the fifth sentence is a mistake?; for the last sentence, consider ‘But a chance encounter can set a path in motion…’ or ‘But a chance encounter can change everything…’

S3E8, Rebels of Onderon

In the crawl consider, in the first slide ‘The once neutral world of Onderon, homeworld of LUX BONTERI, is struggling in a war torn galaxy; the people suffer. / In the turmoil a pretender to the throne, SANJEY RASH, takes power and joins with the Separatists.’; in the fifth sentence, ‘Led by SAW and STEELA GERRERA, the uprising calls for aid, though the Senate refuses to commit the clone army.’
Weirdly the voiceover for ‘War on Two Fronts’ makes it seems as if Onderon was Republic aligned and then joined the Separatists, it’s good that you confirm Onderon’s neutrality in the crawl here.
Your added wipe transitions work well, the brisk pace of the episode is good.

S3E9, Kings of Onderon

For the title, instead consider ‘Tyrants of Onderon’
In the crawl consider, in the first slide, ‘The rightful ruler, RAMSES DENDUP, is deposed and imprisoned by the Separatist puppet, SANJEY RASH. / With the Senate unwilling to deploy troops, the Jedi train and supply the insurgent rebels on Onderon.’ I would suggest changing the name from Ramsis to Ramses, to more obviously imply the Pharaoh. Consider, for the fifth and sixth sentences, ‘With the cunning leadership of STEELA GERRERA, her rebels continue to strike against the Tyrant Rash. / But Dooku sends GENERAL KALANI to even the odds…’
The replaced dialogue at 2:04 is a bit jarring, given the lip sync, but I understand the limits of the scene. Perhaps the added ‘it seems’ could be removed, and the shot trimmed at the end. If the shot was shorter the scene should still flow ok, and the visual dissonance of the lip sync might be reduced. Otherwise, your restructuring of this scene works well. The dialogue fits better here, after the destruction of the power station.
I miss the scene with Dooku, though the plot does move well enough without it.
Consider cutting the bit at 18:20 where the fruit is severed, it seems excessive to me, and only overexplains things to the viewer. Would a guillotine really be tested like this?
Could the shot of General Tandin at 20:25 be moved a little earlier? It feels like not enough time for him to move from the top of the palace to the square, and would perhaps make more sense for him to decide to join the rebels when they first rescue Dendup. You could then also trim the second fake out of Rash executing Dendup, which is a bit drawn out for my taste.
Cutting Hondo works well, and helps tighten up the pace here.
Onderon is one of my favourite arcs, and you do it justice here. A great way to end your Season 3, and conclude Lux Bonteri’s presence in TCW:R.

S1E4, The 501st Legion

In the crawl, last line, consider ‘But Grievous aims to strike the Clone Army at it’s source…’
It seems like there is an error in the audio at 2:05? Stuttering in the score that bridges the two scenes. The same error occurs again at 6:22.
Excellent use of the ‘Clone Cadets’ episode to set up the arc here.
The ‘two weeks’ transition was a little abrupt, maybe consider adding the location ‘Rishi Outpost’ to the intertitle?

S1E5, Cloak of Darkness

In the crawl, in the third sentence, consider ‘Anakin’s brazen pursuit of Grievous has alarmed the Council, who have ordered that Padawan Tano train with LUMINARA UNDULI.’
I wonder if the scene with Dooku, Sidious, and Ventress would be better as the first scene, rather than the second?
At 13:39, the duel reads to me that Luminara hesitated unnecessarily, and should have had enough time to avoid Ventress’ kick. I wonder if things could be trimmed and sped up here, so that the kick comes faster?

S1E6, Children of Night

In the crawl, in the second sentence, consider ‘Separatists strike at key planets across the galaxy, slowing Republic efforts to gain a foothold in the war.’ Capitalise ‘Master’. For the last sentence, consider ‘But DARTH SIDIOUS, true lord of the Sith, will suffer no rivals…’
The episode is well done and essential for connecting the overall plot, but still feels too long for me. I’ve noted a few potential cuts below, but they may not suit your project. Perhaps Delpheas’ idea of splitting this into two episodes would help here also?
Cut Dooku’s line ‘and now you shall die’, at 4:15. I prefer a more merciful Dooku, so he isn’t so cowed by Sidious that he’d kill Ventress, but only disowns her as his apprentice. Since Dooku is eventually betrayed by Sidious, it would be more interesting to have some tension and ambiguity here. Also, I wonder if the duel here would be better off without cutting back to the Tactical Droid in the other command ship?
I don’t really understand why Talzin had to sell Ventress to some random slaver, since she’s apparently matriarch of all Dathomir, and they just pass over this plot point; would you consider cutting this part of the flashback?
At 26:30, having Savage kill his brother is such a tedious way of showing that the witches are an evil matriarchy, especially as mercy was already granted as part of the earlier trial. Would you consider cutting this? Or, if you keep it, then perhaps the whole Nightbrother trials (from 20:00 to 23:20) could be cut. Though I understand you’ve trimmed this sequence already, it’s still a bit of a long spectacle for my taste.
There is an errant black frame on the cut at 31:50.
At 34:10, the dialogue about the difference between Zabrak from Iridonia and Dathomir seems unnecessary, perhaps this could be cut?
The scene where Anakin and Obi-Wan visit the male Dathomiri village feels like an unnecessary detour in an already long episode, this could be cut, though doing so may require some restructuring of the adjacent scenes.
Consider cutting the shots of Savage explicitly killing King Katuunko at 43:30. It may be better to delay this as a reveal for the scene with Dooku at 44:50, to leave some ambiguity as to whether Katuunko is unconscious or dead.

S1E7, Blockade of Ryloth

In the crawl, capitalise ‘King’, ‘Twi’lek’, and ‘Master’; for the last sentence, consider ‘But the Republic cannot break the impenetrable blockade…’
The title is a little too factual for my taste, perhaps consider an alternative, like ‘War Comes to Ryloth’ or ‘Tempest on Ryloth’
There is a visual error, a double wipe transition, at 6:12.
Bail’s line at 20:05 felt out of place to me, I don’t think this particular voiceover is necessary; you set this up well enough in the crawl.
I miss some of the content on Toydaria (not the dinner party though!), but am glad you kept Bail Organa here in this way at least.
Audio is out of sync at 29:15, up to the end.

S1E8, Duchess of Mandalore

In the crawl: there is a repeated ‘is’ in the fourth sentence; from the second sentence, consider instead ‘As the Clone Army defends against Separatist incursion, insidious forces make their moves beyond Republic sight. / Having fled their base on Concordia, the DEATH WATCH have gone into hiding, their whereabouts unknown. / Duchess SATINE KRYZE appeals to the Republic Senate, on behalf of the Council of Neutral Systems / Aided by Senator Amidala, Satine argues that the dreaded Death Watch have no hold on peaceful Mandalore. / But neutrality makes enemies of both sides…’

Let me know how you find these comments. Glad to hear you’re taking a break, otherwise I’ll never get through Season 2! Still, I’m keen to see what you have in store for us with Season 4.