Again, I like what you’re going for; I just don’t think the film shows it in any meaningful capacity. Especially “He’s willing to gamble with the devil” - that would have been so cool! But as the film never really does much with the idea of Kylo double crossing Palpatine aside from one or two throwaway lines. There’s no scene where Rey wonders about Kylo’s loyalties, or where Kylo openly goes against orders…It’s all played very straight. He says he’ll help Palpatine, and then he tells Rey he won’t. How compelling. But the key is, none of it changes how Rey sees Kylo at all, or how the audience sees Kylo at all. So any potential nuance or intrigue is nullified.
Oh yeah, in the theatrical version Palpatine just feels like a Snoke replacement so that Kylo regresses into “overturning his Master to take his place” mode like TLJ never happened and becoming the Supreme Leader meant nothing, him telling Rey he has “other plans” rings hollow.
But with these changes to the crawl, and removing his interest in “taking the thone”, the point of focus would now be on the conference scene where they talk about the how the fleet will turn the FO into a true Empire and increase their resources ten thousand fold. Since from the crawl we now know the FO is struggling with the growing uprising and Kylo’s looking to increase it’s power, we can now see this as Kylo’s main interest. He even says on that scene “prepare to crush any worlds that defy us”, so it’s not like this is something we’re completely making up, just giving it the focus it deserved.
And by removing Kylo’s interest in the throne, you remove his apparent allegiance to the Sith. I prefer the implication that he is just flat out against Palpatine’s plans and is just trying to use him (taking a gamble by confronting him and pretending to do his bidding). It feels more in line with the Kylo from TLJ, after all Palpatine is basically a symbol for resurrecting the past, the opposite of Kylo. That’s also why I really liked your change to Kylo’s line to Rey “we can stop Palpatine”, which aids in feeling like Kylo really has “other plans” of his own.