Neat idea. TLJ’s constant inclination towards unnecessary humour has always been my least favourite part of a movie I otherwise like a lot, so this strikes me as a solid change to keep the tone more sincere. I’m afraid I don’t have good enough audio equipment to help you out here but hopefully someone will. There’s quite a few redubbed lines in HAL’s TROS Ascendant edit from users here. I’d certainly be interested in a PM when you’re done.

Edit: as Faraday says though, perhaps tweak the exact crime so it doesn’t suggest that Canto Bight is under First Order control, because that confuses the idea that they’re an exploitative third party.