This is really nice work! I’m glad my chapter was helpful to structure it; I feel like the text of that chapter is my weakest chapter, and I’m going to go back and revise it at some point. I really like your additions. The turnabout of the “it doesn’t scare me enough then” line is inspired.

A couple of minor observations:

“But nothing was all she heard” is a weird sentence construction. That’s kind of my fault since it comes from my own rewrite, but it was a follow up to the previous sentence there, and the emphasis had to fall in a certain way as a result. Since that sentence isn’t in your version, there’s probably a better way to structure the sentence for your purposes.
I really like your description of the crackling saber. In my opinion, though, you shouldn’t compare it directly to Kylo’s - I think the subtext is clear enough without explaining it, and it’s a nice “show don’t tell” way of indicating her rising darkness.

This was such a messy and aimless chapter in the original, and your version is very engaging and streamlined.