Hmmm I definitely see what you mean.
One thing about the message in this novelization edit is that it was sent exclusively to the First Order, thus reducing its overall importance to the plot. I believe this is implied in Hal’s edit as well.
When the galaxy at large is receiving it, it makes much more sense to include it in the crawl. And as for the First Order losing power, that is already suggested in fewer words in the first sentence of Hal’s.
Hmm…
Try removing the whole “somehow Palpatine returned” scene with the Resistance, instead just have the information Poe and his crew gets be that Palpatine is going to unleash the Final Order in 16 hours soon.