The big sticking point for me is the dark grey look of the sky and the frame in general. Dark grey sky reads to me as either overcast or, unfortunately, artificially darkened.
To me a harsh blue hue is usually what gives away day for night instead, compare it to the night scenes in TLJ, the hue there is pretty much grey rather than blue.
Well, blue is used in day for night for a reason. The TLJ scenes do in fact have a very distinct blue hue, not as strong as in my mock up, but still there. Not to mention, again, that TROS trends bluer in general.