That’s great! Definitely an improvement, I’ll add it in if that’s alright. I was worried that it would overcomplicate the core idea being conveyed, but it just strengthens it. And that final line is fantastic as a result; the final line I’d written was the part I was least happy with, too.
Nope it’s fine you can use it. That’s why I wrote it out in the first place lol.
One question though: is the reason Kylo tries to strike down the Eye because he is creeped out by how much he knows about him and his past? I tried to modify his lines to be a copy/paste of Kylo’s lines from TFA/TLJ because I thought that might be what you were going for.
EDIT: Maybe to make it clear why he would want him dead, have his first line be something like: "I know what you seek, and then some, heir of Vader.