Here’s a comparison between the original and my rewrite of an action scene. I love writing action setpieces, and I have a very specific rhythm I like to use when writing them, which I think is highlighted here. I’ve tried to keep up the pace and make descriptions as fast and easy to understand as possible when I want to keep the excitement rolling, and allow a bit more breathing space and time to imagine the scene when I want to allow the action to ease off and ramp up again. It’s all about controlling that rise and fall, and knowing which moments to make frenetic and breathless for maximum emphasis and fun.
For context, I added a moment earlier during the Pasaana festival where Finn looks at some Aki-Aki children playing with ball-in-cup type toys, where you swing one end of the toy up to the other on a string. I also moved the moment where he maybe uses the Force to a different spot in the chase; I really like that moment, and I didn’t want to remove it entirely.
Password for both is CaptainFaraday.