My only issue is that the Eye requires introduction, which takes time and reader investment, and then never shows up again. I left the stuff with Hux and Pryde because they’re both characters throughout the film, and their scene helps introduce us to both of them, to Kylo, to the First Order and its structure and attitude, to where the plot is headed, and sets up the dynamics of all three characters in relation to each other. The Eye just sets up, well, the Eye, and I think having Kylo talk to a mysterious ancient thing he doesn’t fully understand treads on the toes of Kylo talking to Palpatine.
I feel like these kinds of characters sometimes show up in stories and fairy tales though. Like a wise old hermit or a witch that tells the main character something important about themselves and then vanishes. Of course, this would be the first time something like that appeared in Star Wars.
EDIT: For example, there is the witches from Macbeth. Of course, they appear more later on in the story. But there are other examples as well.
I really like that way of thinking about it.
Now that you’ve mentioned it, something I notice that’s common to that character archetype is that they’re all pretty immediately recognisable, so they don’t feel like something unique to the individual story that the audience is being asked to remember for later.
If I don’t spend an overly long time describing the Eye (in the unaltered text, I think it gets more visual description than any of the protagonists!), and instead make it something very visually immediate, I think it would help with that. Perhaps it’s literally just an eye on a large optic nerve that rises from the lake?