Wexter said:
Just before we go to the crawl, there is a fade to black which I think could use some retiming. As it is, it fades slowly and we get just a brief glimpse of El-Les before going completely dark. This feels off. I suggest either fading earlier or later.
Agreed. The music is very light here, so I opted to fade, but something a bit more punctual might be nicer. There’re a few options in this area though, so I’ll look around.
When the clones escape the base, the droids report four clones having escaped. However, when we next meet the group, only three are present. This should probably be addressed in some way.
That’s a fair point. I was aiming to have them be offscreen entirely until they’re discovered by Rex and Cody, and to justify the suprise worm, I added later dialogue where they talk about it (“That’s a worm, that’s why we have the regulation not to go outside”). Problem is, it’s quite an ugly scene, so I’d hope to avoid it. I’ll see what options I have.
The reunion scene with 99 could also use some trimming. Echo mentions the generals receiving word of an impending attack, which seems a bit odd considering they themselves witnessed the separatist fleet moving in. Not sure what the options here are, though.
That’s a good point, I was more in the mindset of trimming the medal than the dialogue here. I’ll check over it again. Unfortunately 99 does kind of breeze past Hevy’s death, but that’s all I have to work with. I enjoyed ending up with a trim that makes him more immediately show he’s ready for battle though - he’s a soldier through and through.
Knight of Kalee said:
CLONE CADETS
The cold open was a great suggestion. Starting right into the action makes the episode engaging from the start, for a moment I forgot we hadn’t had any credits yet 😄 And the rest is history. I agree with Wexter regarding the timing of the fade to black.
Yeah, good call Ice.
Good call on adding Fives referring to Echo by name! The new establishing shots before the test fit really nicely and the transition flows great.
Yup, another good community suggestion.
I’d say keep the talk between Shaak Ti and Lama Su, if just for the worldbuilding aspect and to give Shaak at least a bit of screentime.
I agree with you on this one, I think it’ll add a little value later.
Hevy and 99’s talk worked better than in the preliminary versions. Regarding the transition to Rookies, I’d say it would feel more natural with a couple seconds more of black screen with the “Two weeks later” card before the establishing shot.
Agreed. I’ll play around with this more.
On the matter of technical issues, Commander Colt’s second line of dialogue still gets lost among the sound mixing. The first one is corrected though 😃 Also, after Brick says “More like an impossible task”, a very faint line can be heard on the left channel of him saying “You can’t be serious, Eiles”. Is that supposed to be an unpolished part of the edit or is a remnant of a cut exchange? I’m leaning towards the latter.
Good spots. These are both issues caused by having some dialogue appear on the tracks with the music on, which makes it harder to fix. I might not be able to fix the Colt line, but I can probably tighten up Bric and El-Les talk.
I kind of missed Cutup’s death. I know we don’t spend much time with him in this version but, still, it’s a brief scene that also sets up the threat of the Eel (this creature feels somewhat random in its current only appearance without having been established prior to it). Restoring it would also address the continuity error just created where 4 clones are said to have escaped but 3 are shown alive.
Hm. Two in favour. I’ll see if I can include that with little other context, then.
Are you still planning on adding a new pre-mortem line for Hevy?
If I can find a nice one! With silence I think it’s fine, as he’s just getting on with business. But something to make it personal might be nice. I’m keeping an eye out.
A minor thing but maybe you could try keeping Ventress’s line “Keep playing with your droids”. The exchange with Grievous would feel more natural. I like their rivalry and mutual teasing of each other.
I figured I’d downplay this because it doesn’t go anywhere and it just seemed a little unprofessional for such a vital mission.
The pacing of the battle really benefits from cutting the Obi-Wan swimming bit and the later half of the encounter with Grievous. However, since Obi-Wan now does not appear again after forcing Grievous to retreat, maybe you could cut right before he starts chasing after him.
I’ll check that out.
Really glad you guys think it works 😃
